I Am Trying to Find the God in Myself

November 13, 2018
A big sun surrounded by a halo in a black background
Art by Kirsten Hemrich

 

“I found God in myself. And I loved her. I loved her fiercely.” -  Ntozake Shange

 

I am trying to find the God in myself.

I want love her fiercely. I want to love her so badly I can cry.

I am trying to find the God in myself.

I want to live a life full of content.

I want to smile with honesty, wholesomeness and leisure.

When I look at those around me I want I feel loyalty and joy and genuity.

I am trying to find the God in myself.

I want to feel Her warmth and Her blessings.

I want to shower in them

and glow.

I want to be the sun.

I am trying to find the God in myself.

When I look in the mirror I want to see beauty. I want it to be Black like me. I want to see Her image.

When I put myself forth

I want to feel desired.

When I open my mouth

I want to be heard.

When I am in pain

I want to be visible.

I am trying to find the God in myself.

I want to see what She sees when She pours Her love unto me with freedom and delight.

I want to know why She never withholds or runs out.

I am trying to find the God in myself.

And where she lies

And why I lie to her when I go looking in places I know she will not be.

I am trying to find the God in myself.

I want to put my pain before others.

I want it to be legitimate.

And real.

And understood.

I am looking for the God in myself.

I need to tell her that her smile is my sun

That her warmth engulfs my heart into flames and because of it I glow from the inside out.

I need to tell her that she is beautiful

That her grace lies in the melanin of her skin

the delicacy of her heart

and the strength of her soul.

I need to tell her that I desire her and my love is never-ending

That I see her pain and I know that it is real

And I mourn

and I cry for her.

I need to tell her that I’ve been talking to God

And She’s been teaching me how to love her.

I want to tell her that I am ready to try for myself.

I want to tell her that I will do my best to love her honestly, joyfully, freely

Fiercely.

 

Thank you, Ntozake Shange, for showing me where to start looking.

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