Ask Iris: Advice from Charlotte Chapman
Obsessed with Eating?
Q: Dear Charlotte,
There is a history of obesity in my family, and all of the complications that are a part of that—diabetes, high blood pressure, depression, etc. I must admit I am afraid that obesity might strike at any point in my 
life—so I maintain a generally healthy diet (with indulgences) and exercise 5 or 6 days a week. In truth, I exercise thinking about thefoods it will allow me to eat that day. I recognize that my student lifestyle allows me the freedom to eat what I want and exercise it off, but the truth is I really love food. It makes me very, very happy, and I am obsessed with baking and trying out new recipes. At times (more often than I’d like to admit), eating something delicious is the only thing I look forward to in a day. Will my appreciation of food one day be my undoing (for example, after I have kids)? How can I tell is my love of food is actually a food obsession, and what should I do about it?
Thank you very much for your response.
A: Dear Iris Reader,
You raise a lot of important questions about your relationship with food and your health. When questioning whether a relationship with food is healthy or not there are several red flags we look for: how much time is spent thinking about food (preoccupation); the emotional component; preoccupation with weight and body image; food and exercise interrupting a normal life style (for example, refusing social invitations because you think you need to exercise). You asked how you could tell if your love of food is an obsession so those are the areas we would look at. Your comment that sometimes eating is the “only” thing you look forward to is certainly a warning signal. I suggest that you start really looking for other things that give you the same amount of pleasure. You also used the word obsessed in referring to baking so again find other “obsessions” that give you the same amount of pleasure that have nothing to do with food. If you find this too difficult to do, then that would be another warning signal. You have a lot of good insights so perhaps counseling would be the next step.
Best wishes,
Charlotte
Gloomy Graduation
Q: Dear Charlotte, 
Do you have any advice for a student about to graduate in May in this horrific economic climate? I fear I won’t find a job, won’t get health insurance, and I fear, well, loneliness and a lack of support. Thank you!
Soon to be Grad
A: Dear New Grad,
This economic climate can certainly be frightening. I don’t know what your career area is but I would advise three things: network, network, network! In this type of climate your contacts are probably going to be the best way of finding a job. Even people who are not in your field are a possible source for a job lead so do not leave anyone out; faculty, alumni, volunteer groups, family members are all sources to contact. The other step if you have not done this yet is to find people who have jobs you think you would like and ask to meet with them for informational interviews. Ask them what steps they went through to get their job and then follow those steps. In addition, the federal stimulus package has a lot of grant opportunities. These will be temporary jobs but agencies and universities will need to be hiring to staff these grants and it is a way to get in the door and get some good experience. The final advice I have is to remain open to opportunities you may not have thought of before. I once interviewed for a job in an agency I knew I would not like but got a contact from that interview which led me to a great job.
Best wishes with your job search and future career.
Charlotte
Talking Sex
Q: Dear Charlotte,
My partner comes from a very conservative family background, and he never initiates discussions about 
intimacy, nor is he comfortable with them. So, if there is a need to discuss the subject, I must be the one to bring it up. But the truth is, he is so uncomfortable (and I am only marginally comfortable) talking about sex, therefore things are always left unsaid. When they are said, I am usually so frustrated that my complaints come out accusatory. Do you have any suggestions on how to break the ice on such a sensitive subject? Is there any way that I don’t always have to initiate these conversations?
Thanks.
A: Dear Iris reader,
Communication about intimacy is one of the most difficult issues for most couples. You show great awareness about how your communication style is not helping so that is a good first step. The next step is to not wait until your frustration is at the point that you sound accusatory. What steps do you need to take to be able to change your part in this? One suggestion if you have not done this is start first with communicating to your partner how important it is to you for the two of you to work on this together- a partnership approach that does not feel like blame or that all of the responsibility is on one person (you). It is best to do this at a time when you are not feeling so frustrated. You can ask him what would help make him feel more comfortable and then follow through with whatever he says. Once you have established some trust and hopefully raised his comfort level, then let him know specifically what you need. If he doesn’t have any suggestions, then you may want to have some ready. Some examples could be reading a book together about sexuality and discussing it; attending a couples’ communication workshop; talking to someone together like a trusted minister/spiritual leader or a counselor. If you can stay focused on communicating to him that this is a positive aspect of your relationship and not something to avoid by the tone of your voice and how you approach it, hopefully he will respond.
Best wishes with your relationship,
Charlotte
To ask Charlotte a question about relationships, work, or life in general, email us at irissubmissions@gmail.com, subject line: Ask Charlotte.
Charlotte Chapman is the Director of Counseling Services at the Women's Center. Charlotte is a licensed professional counselor and a licensed substance abuse treatment provider. She has her Masters Degree in Counseling from Virginia Commonwealth University. Charlotte is adjunct faculty in the Rehabilitation Counseling program at VCU.
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