11 Reasons Why I'm Never Getting Married

February 25, 2019
Confused woman surrounded my geometrical equatinos
Art by Kirsten Hemrich

When I tell people I’m never getting married, their faces usually look something like this:

The equation is seemingly simple: woman = desire to get married = one day married. Their brains are running around in confusion trying to figure out why in the world a woman wouldn’t want to put on a white dress and say “I do.”

Eventually, as their heteronormative and institutionalized ways of thinking are unable to solve the equation, and come crumbling to the ground and succumb to flames caused by ‘millenials’ and their nonsense, they are left with only one question: why?

If you are one of the people to ask me why I don’t want to get married, allow me to refer you to the list below.

  1. I don’t need a partner to feel fulfilled. I’m happy with being single, and I don’t long for some romantic relationship with my one true love that will last for all eternity. If a relationship does come along with someone special, wonderful! I’m just never going to put a ring on it.
  2. No matter how well you think you know someone, you will never know them completely. People change. All the time. So binding myself to another person on paper through houses, cars, bank accounts, credit cards? I’ll pass.
  3. Have you SEEN how expensive weddings are? I’m not paying nearly $100 to rent a light-up ‘Exit’ sign for the tent at my wedding. Thank you, next.
  4. I look much better in black.
  5. I once took a class called ‘Sociology of the Family.’ It should have been named "Why You Should Be Thinking About Marriage Right Now and If You Don’t Get Married There’s Something Wrong With You," or, "Sociology of the White-Heterosexual-Cisgender Family." It made me so mad I don’t think I’ve ever recovered. Yes, I am petty enough to never get married just to spite that professor.
  6. I like sleeping in my own queen-sized bed.
  7. The institution of marriage has a messy, patriarchal history. Coverture? Women as property? I mean, Virginia didn’t even give married women legal status until the 19th century. As I said, messy.
  8. If I’m ever in a serious, long-term committed relationship, why does marriage have to be the endgame? Why is marriage the final step up? The ultimate achievement? And why is staying married such an achievement? Whenever I hear a couple say they’ve been married for longer than twenty years, the responses are usually shock and awe. “They made it that long and they’re still together? Good for them.” That just sounds like an uphill battle to me.
  9. Rings with big stones aren't my style. I prefer my rings to be small and flat so they don’t get caught on my pocket whenever I reach for my phone or hair-tie.
  10. Speaking of rings, in heterosexual relationships, why is it the woman who always wears the engagement ring? *cough* property *cough*
  11. Marriage used to be important back when sensuality was so policed, and women couldn’t have sex before marriage. But now it’s 2019, and women can have sex with as many people as they want, however many times they want.

There you have it. 11 reasons I never want to get married. While I’m here, I might as well answer your follow-up questions:

Are you sure?

Yes.

Will you ever change your mind?

No. 

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