In the era of body positivity and radical self-love, the notion that “no one can love you until you love yourself” is, for many of us who struggle deeply to love ourselves by virtue of depression, anxiety, or the various other forms of mental illness, an unjust sentencing. At its core, the intention is pure. The modern-day proverb is a call to demand that the love we receive from others is of equal or greater value to the love that we give ourselves. However hopeful its intent, this idea restricts experiencing love to those who are privileged enough to consider themselves worthy of it—a mentality that is more easily attainable for some than others.
Inherent to the belief “no one can love you until you love yourself” is the simplistic assumption that anyone would ever make the choice to actively deny themselves of self-love. It condemns many of us to a life of our illness controlling not only our relationship with ourselves but with everyone around us.
Why is this the one condition that society imposes upon receiving a supposedly unconditional love?
In fact, having the courage to be loved by others when you do not see what there is to love about you is just as radical as the self-love everyone assumes comes only from solitude.
In this season of love, where we are all forced—for better or for worse—to be surrounded by the promise of romantic refuge, however manufactured it may be, it is easy for anyone to feel a sense of doubt. This is especially true for those of us who are already predisposed to a plethora of insecure thoughts. Depressive thoughts do not come with the luxury of ephemerality. Rather than being temporary, feelings of inadequacy become all consuming.
When we tell someone who suffers from such thoughts that any potential love is contingent upon overcoming their feelings of uncertainty regarding their self-worth, we are confirming an already prevailing fear that depression defines their existence and identity. They do not need to be told that others will also struggle to find them adequate, they need to be reminded that they are worthy of love always and regardless.
You deserve to experience a love so consuming that it reminds the broken parts of you that they were not always that way, and will not always be.
So, this is for the person who is depressed but still longs to be loved. Your personal battle with self-love does not mean you are unlovable, and it does not mean you are incapable of loving in return. You deserve to experience a love so consuming that it reminds the broken parts of you that they were not always that way, and will not always be.
You are whole even with the brokenness you may feel. You are worthy of giving and receiving love even if your most familiar interaction with it is your daily internal battle.
There is a deep strength in allowing yourself to be loved by someone else, even when you are not sure there is any part of you that can be loved. Demand a greater love for yourself, even if you struggle to give it to yourself.
When you feel those moments where you are lucky enough to love yourself, love yourself hard. But in those moments where you do not feel that you can love yourself, let the people in your life love you hard anyway. Let them remind you of what it feels like to be loved even if you cannot always recognize it yourself. Force yourself to feel the love you deserve.
You are worthy of love not in spite of your depression, but alongside it.
Read that again.
