As someone with a terrible memory, and no memory of my first years of life, I wanted to ask my mom about my childhood. As the oldest of three kids, I was also my parents’ first child, making my origin story their origin as parents.
My original idea was to interview my mom, but as soon as I came up with this idea, I knew my dad would feel upset if I excluded him. Not surprisingly, my dad makes his way into this interview in bits and pieces, most significantly at the end.
On the day of the interview my mom asked me to wait while she showered and made herself presentable for the camera, which goes to show how much care she puts into what I’m passionate about. While this piece doesn’t show my mom’s face, I hope you picture the beautiful woman she is as you read her words.
JORDAN: What were your first thoughts when I was born?
MOM: I don’t even know if I can remember what my immediate thoughts were…it wasn’t really thoughts as much as feelings. Just like filled with a whole bunch of feelings of love and responsibility all at once.
I think I’ve told you this story before, but most [new parents] were concerned with “How do I feed them? How do I change diapers? How do I know if they’re sick?” You’re concerned about the everyday tasks of taking care of a baby, and I had experience with your cousin, so I didn’t have any concerns about either myself or your dad as far as the everyday, mundane things.
It was just overwhelming that we didn’t know whether we were having a boy or girl before you were born. So for me, it wasn’t the baby years, but, “how do I get her through middle school? How do I get her through high school? How do I make sure she’s confident?” It’s the idea of raising a confident woman in this world.
JORDAN: What were your expectations? Such as for parenting and the process of taking care of a kid for their first few years. If you had any, once you actually had me, how did those expectations change?
MOM: I guess the first thing I think of when you ask that question is that I was looking forward to being a stay-at-home mom; I was looking forward to spending all my time with you. But there was a period of time when you’re just a baby and you don’t do a lot. You do a lot of sleeping, do a lot of laying on the floor looking at some things. And I was like, “Oh my god, I need to do something, I will be bored out of my mind if this doesn’t change.”
So for a split second I thought, “do I really want to be a stay-at-home mom? Am I capable of being a stay-at-home mom?” It was this realization that this was so much harder than I thought. You’re totally on someone else’s schedule. I didn’t think it was gonna be all fun and games, but I didn’t realize that there would be times of just: “I need an adult, I need somebody to talk to.”
JORDAN: What was I like for the first few years of my life?
MOM: You were an extremely easy baby. The only frustrating timeframe that we really had was breastfeeding because that did not work. But once we quit on that idea, I feel like we got much closer; both me towards you, but definitely you towards me. Because I relaxed – it took the pressure off.
DAD: *chiming in from the other room*
MOM: …And your father was very excited about it too because he got to be involved in feeding you. And then…now I lost where I was going because he was interrupting…
I don’t think you had any discipline issues or timeout issues, but they always talk about the terrible twos, when actually it’s the terrible threes. Three was the age you were struggling to grab hold of your emotions and figure out how to calm yourself, which goes back to our song.*
*the lullaby my mom would sing to me before she put me to sleep: “Hush Little Baby, Don’t Say a Word”
JORDAN: Yeah, I was actually going to bring that up and segue into that. The only memory that I can remember is feeling upset, and I was even more upset because I knew you were upset with me. I just remember refusing to stop crying until you sang to me because I needed you to forgive me, and calm me down this way.
MOM: I can picture one of the times you needed a nap, but you couldn’t figure out how to put yourself to sleep. And of course I’d already done things trying to help you. And that’s when you would say “please mommy, please just sing me the song.” And I was like I don’t want to sing this song right now. And that was the hardest part because I’m human too.
I’m not mad at you, I don’t not love you. I’m just mad that you’re not asleep because I need a break. So, I realized that I needed to pull it in. I was asking someone who’s too young to figure out how to tame their emotions, and so I needed to figure out how to tame my own. And I don’t think there was anything different about it, you were just my first, so it was scary sometimes how upset you could get. Now I know that it’s growing up, and that’s just a tough time.
JORDAN: Are there things that come to mind if you were to describe me as a child? And how would you describe me now?
MOM: I think a lot of the things that you already know about yourself were the same when you were a kid. I’m not comparing, but your sister still to this day is the more stubborn one. You were a rule follower then just as much as you want to be now. You wanted to please; the perfectionist, lining everything up perfectly.
So I would describe you as easygoing, semi-quiet — other than with your friends. Your sister, on the other hand, would watch you go off to pre-school all the time and she was so mad that she didn’t get to go. I had to beg them to take her a half a year early, telling them that she would get upset and cry every time we went out the door. But I don’t think you would have done that, even if you were the second kid.
Another memory that I have of you is when Rachel was born and you came into the hospital to see me and to see her. And I remember you just being like, “Nope this doesn’t work for me. My mom is sitting in a hospital bed and I don’t know what the hell that means.” And you did turn around immediately to go back to Daddy. It was way too overwhelming for you, you know. So I think that it scared you.
JORDAN: Yeah hospitals…I don’t remember that, but I can barely be in hospitals now, so I feel like that makes sense.
Okay, I don’t have many questions left, but my next question is: were there specific moments as I grew up that stand out to you? Moments that seemed significant for my growth or important for you as a parent?
MOM: I could pick something for almost every year. I mean, it would take me a minute to come up with them. I could certainly pick your JK (Junior Kindergarten) year. As much as I was like, “she doesn’t really need that,” they told me you could use some social growth. You would latch onto somebody and hold on to them, and so I think you did need that year because when you went into Kindergarten you were much more independent.
DAD: *complaining about feeling excluded*
MOM: Well come over here, join right now and give her a few things.
JORDAN: You probably haven’t heard most of my questions, but how would you describe me as a kid, versus how you would describe me now?
DAD: *proceeds to explain my birth story*
JORDAN: Well, my question was how would you describe me?
DAD: I’m trying to say you were a perfect child. You never gave us any trouble, you were a rule follower. We tell you to do something, you did it; you went above and beyond. So you made it very simple from a parenting standpoint.
You’re exactly the same [now] in the sense that you do the right thing. You don’t ever want to do anything incorrect or wrong. So as a parent, that makes it easy when you’re getting concerned about the teenage years. I even tell my friends, “this girl, when she was young, was correcting other people’s grammar.”
You’ve got a strong conviction and strong moral compass. And you’re just a loving, caring person, and that started from day one. You’re the perfect child anybody would want. That’s not to say – we all have our quirks – you don’t have things you struggle with. But from a parent looking down at their kid, you’re the type of kid parents would want.
JORDAN: Were there specific moments in my life that stand out to you as significant for my growth?
DAD: I think one would be when you embraced dance. It enabled you to come out of your shell more, and you really found something you were passionate about. So to me, that was exciting to see. And then to actually go and watch you, I even said to Mom the first time I saw you, “she looks like a professional dancer.” I was blown away.
JORDAN: What would you say to your younger, “new parent” self?
DAD: I personally wouldn’t change anything because you became the amazing, beautiful woman you are today.
MOM: If I had the ability to go back, I would tell myself to relax more. But I think it’s almost like a rite of passage; you have to go through it. So I don’t think I would necessarily change anything. There’s no perfect parent, there’s no perfect child. We’re all gonna screw our kids up in some way. There’s nothing I can do but the best that I can do, and just hope that the best was good enough.
There were mistakes made, absolutely. You have to learn, and that doesn’t end. And like you said, it was our origin too. We were new to it, so what did we know?
