Zenaida opened his eyes on a couch to a crowd of voices surrounding him. He could see no people. He saw a small round table decorated in a dinosaur party theme with what had been a large T-rex ice sculpture. It looked like it had a broken neck bent backwards and the arms were nearly completely missing. He glanced at the puddle underneath.
“We apologize for the ice sculpture. We hadn’t anticipated how long you would be unconscious,” a voice spoke from in front of him. He wanted to speak, but his entire jaw ached.
He glanced around the room. There seemed to be no walls or floor or ceiling. Just a pale beige.
“There is cake over there, if you’d like some,” an empty space said. “It looks like a stegosaurus.”
Zenaida pulled his exhausted muscles together as he shuffled over to the table. He glanced around the room. There seemed to be no walls or floor or ceiling. Just a pale beige. He picked up the plastic knife and cut off the end of the dinosaur’s tail. He looked down to see words on a banner of the table legs. He couldn’t read.
“Hey, what does this say?” he rasped out to no one in particular.
“It says ‘Congratulations’,” the beige responded. Zenaida nodded to himself as he chewed slowly. He swirled his fork around his plate.
“Hey, who’s being congratulated?” Zenaida said with a mouth full of food.
“You are. You are the last human. We have this for all of the last members of the dominating species of their respective planets,” nothing said. “The last human woman’s lungs failed a little while ago. We have a few questions for you though.” Zenaida nodded and sat back down on the couch. Zenaida had thought he was the last human for the longest time. That was disappointing. He hadn’t seen a good pair of tits in a while.
“So, why do you personally think your species is going extinct after you?” a space said. “There are no wrong answers here, we just want your own perspective.”
He bounced his leg. The icing of the cake left a weird aftertaste and the cake was a little stale, but he didn’t want to say anything that might hurt their feelings. It looked like they had really tried.
Zenaida scratched his head. He tried to scrape dirt from under his nails.
“Huh, you know it was just a lot at one time. The bombings everyone talked about, the volcano thing, there wasn’t any easy food, just the everything,” he said. He bounced his leg. The icing of the cake left a weird aftertaste and the cake was a little stale, but he didn’t want to say anything that might hurt their feelings. It looked like they had really tried. He never was much of a good speaker. After his wife died, there had been no one to speak to anyway. “My mom’s great-great grandmother lived in the Normal Time, and she always said it was the Democrats.”
“What would you say your greatest accomplishment was?” nothing asked.
“Well, my wife and I didn’t have any children, so I’m not entirely sure. I found a shelter for us, I suppose,” he said. He wanted to say she had good tits too, but he didn’t know what kind of crowd this was.
“What is your fondest memory?”
“Well before everything was completely buried, my grandmother had given me a rubber ball, but I couldn’t bounce it, you see, because of all of the dust. It would just get stuck there. But sometimes, I’d get mother to bury it somewhere and she’d make a whole story about how I could find it,” he said.
“Your lungs are about to fail, do you have anything else you might have wanted to share?”
“So a treasure hunt?”
“Eh, you could say,” he added. He put the cake on the cushion. His jaw was tired.
“What is your biggest regret?”
“Probably not having a kid with my half-sister like my father wanted. Hey, any human is a human after all, and we clearly needed more of ‘em, am I right?” he chuckled leaning back.
“Your lungs are about to fail, do you have anything else you might have wanted to share?” the nothing asked right in his ear. A cough was scratching around in his gut.
“If you ever find my ball, don’t let anyone else have it,” he coughed.
The T-rex’s head fell to the floor.
