“there are women with gold buried deep within their souls, and their outer glow is not an invitation for you to dig it out.”
— Flowers on the Moon, Billy Chapta
I want to go back to that night. Just for a moment. Just to escape.
It was a midsummer evening in L.A. I was begrudgingly at the rooftop bar my friends had dragged me to. They insisted on spending the night amongst the successful and rich: the big names in the industry who could take them places, who could build them up and make their dreams come true. In my eyes, they are poor in spirit but still think they own everything. I used to hate those types of people.
At least, I did, before I met him.
I found myself wandering away from the crowd and towards the edge of the balcony. Leaning forward, forearms propped on a chilled silver railing, I cradled an almost empty glass of red wine as I gazed at the people passing by on the sidewalk. Laughter wafted upwards from a couple below. The girl was keeled over at something he said, stumbling into his seemingly warm embrace. His arms were wrapped around her, holding her up, seeping joy into her body. I was caught up in my thoughts, wishing someone could love me like that. Wishing for someone who could love all of me, even the broken parts hidden within my soul. A lonely breeze began to creep its way through the night air, brushing the hair off my shoulders and kissing my skin. Needing to escape my thoughts, I turned back towards the bar. I planned to grab another drink, I planned to find my friends, but then I–
She seemed so uninterested in what was going on around her, almost uninterested in me, but I didn’t mind. I have a way of getting what I want.
“What are you doing over here all alone? Someone like you shouldn't have to spend this lovely night by herself.”
I smiled at her, looking deep into those beautiful eyes as she turned towards me. They sparkled brighter than the stars all around me, brighter than the silver dress that first drew me to her. I scanned her from the toes up, traveling the length of the slit that begged my hands to run along the parts of her leg I couldn't see. Her shoulders and arms were bare, and her skin seemed to pulsate with a soft glow. Her face was like an angel’s. I couldn’t help but move in closer. She seemed so uninterested in what was going on around her, almost uninterested in me, but I didn’t mind. I have a way of getting what I want.
It didn’t take much. We made some small talk, I told her how interesting she was, I listened to her talk. That's what all girls want. She said she was tired of being out, so I offered to take her home (with me). We sat in the back of the limo, her body leaning on mine. She let me brush the hair off her shoulders and kiss her neck. I didn’t have to imagine running my hand up her thigh anymore, or that she wasn’t wearing anything under her dress. My driver slowed as we got to the gate of my house. Once through my gate we took the party inside. I kissed her on the countertop of my bar, telling her how beautiful she was as she told me she wanted more. She laughed as I carried her up to my bed, her heels left behind as they fell off and tumbled down the stairs.
I knew she would be back. I knew I could make her mine.
When I woke up the next day, she had left me lying there alone. Sober now, the sorrows I had tried to numb felt unbearable now that she was gone. I thought I wanted her just for the night but now it wasn’t enough. She made me feel something I hadn’t felt since I started in this twisted industry. It was like her glow was a halo. Her gentle touch warmed my soul. I could feel the ice start to crack and crumble around my heart when I looked into her eyes. I ran my hand along my silk sheets where she had been just hours before. I grasped the sparkles from her dress in my palms. I knew she would be back. I knew I could make her mine.
From dusk ‘till dawn, she would be mine.
—
And here I am now. I fell for him so fast. It's the way he looks at me, the way he really sees me, the way he smiles at me with his hands running up and down my thigh. He makes my soul burn, my heart ache. He makes me feel so lucky that someone would want me and only me. He has the world and he lets me be a part of it. Sometimes he asks for a lot, but it's only fair, right?
At first he made me feel seen, so of course I promised to be available whenever he needed me. He made me feel heard, so of course I promised to wear the clothes he likes, even when I wanted to wear something else. He has an image to keep up of course. Sometimes I question if he really does see me when he looks at me that way.
Soon, I think I will run out of things to give to him. And then what use will I be?
But then I remember, I must love him when my body aches for his touch. And he must love me, when he wants me so bad. After a long night when I’m tired and all I want to do is sleep, he pleads with me to stay up. He never wants to be awake alone. He’ll tell me how much he loves me, how he would be nothing without me, until he finally drifts off and I’m no longer able to sleep. Thoughts race through my head. I want to touch his face, to feel his warm skin, but I pull back every time, afraid to wake him up, afraid to see those dark stormy eyes like a lost puppy begging for more of my love, for more of my heart, for more of me.
At first he made me feel so seen and so loved. But now all he does is take and I feel more empty and alone than I did before him. Soon, I think I will run out of things to give to him. And then what use will I be? I often find myself daydreaming about the moment I met him. Those piercing eyes were so persistent. The smell of his cologne was so enticing as he waltzed into my space, asking me why I was all alone. His shirt was unbuttoned slightly, exposing his chest. The sleeves of his white dress shirt were rolled up exposing his tattoos twisting around the muscles in his arms as he stretched his hand out to mine. As I imagined those strong arms lifting me up and whisking me away, I heard a voice in the back of my head, or maybe from the sky above. She told me to step away, to take her hand instead. She told me not to fall for the trick.
I didn’t listen. I wish I had listened. It’s too late for me now. I wish she would come back so I could take her hand, so I could be–
I know how to make her feel seen, how to make her feel real.
“Why are you out here all alone my angel? Come back to bed with me.” She is standing on my balcony in one of my t-shirts, staring at the sky with a glass of red wine in her hands. My girl. She gets so lonely without me there, it's better for both of us when I’m around her. I know how to please her. I know how to love her better than anyone else. I know how to make her feel seen, how to make her feel real.
She comes back inside to lay with me, I cradle her in my arms the way she likes. I kiss her neck and let my hands travel. I feel her heart quicken to the pace of mine. We keep each other up until I drift off, letting her halo wash over me. Maybe one day it’ll wash away my sins. I wouldn't know how to live without this, without her beautiful soul making me feel less cold inside. When I look into her eyes I don’t have to see the darkness in my own. Maybe I need her but she needs me too.
My girl, my angel. I know you’ll never leave me.
—
He looked at her until the stars fell out of her eyes into his palms, until she had nothing left to give him but tears. She felt like she wasn’t an angel anymore, that she was becoming a devil just like him.
I had a dream about a girl with stars in her eyes. She used to have so much love, but she gave it all to someone else. She gave it to a devil because he convinced her that devils can’t exist without angels. He convinced her they needed each other. He looked at her until the stars fell out of her eyes into his palms, until she had nothing left to give him but tears. She felt like she wasn’t an angel anymore, that she was becoming a devil just like him. She fell to her knees, begging for someone to take her hand and save her.
Then, someone did.
She looked up and saw herself holding on to her. She was strong, with the voice of an angel and a heart of fire. She was unafraid. She reclaimed the stars from the devil, gave them back to the girl, and then, she gently touched the girl’s cheek and smiled, guiding her eyes away so she couldn’t look at the devil anymore, so she couldn’t fall for his tricks.
I miss the girl I was before. She was broken, but at least she belonged only to me.
When I woke up from my dream I was facing the mirror on his bedroom wall. I stared through the glass at my own eyes. My hand was resting on my cheek, my shoulder like a barrier between us. I could feel his eyes on my neck.
“Stay a while for me, my angel.” mmmm his voice is smooth like chocolate. He could douse me in it and lick it off. His hands feel so good on my skin. He says no one else will love me like him, but does he even know what love is? Does he really love my brokenness as much as my beauty? Does he really want to make me happy? Does he even know I’m not? He doesn’t know that nights are more lonely when he’s there, and I spend them thinking about the time we first met, wishing I never turned around to face him. I miss the girl I was before. She was broken, but at least she belonged only to me. I think–
I think an angel deserves an angel.
