Everything takes time. whether it be a short amount or the entirety of your existence. and now we enter a space where no matter how much practice we give ourselves we still feel unprepared.
I came back to Charlottesville in June, after having been away since March of 2019. The year at home awakened a long sentient being: my “true” self. Now I’m in my last year at this institution and I couldn’t feel more terrified even though I’ve wanted to leave since I’ve arrived.
Sometimes you are the only Black person in the classroom, and you’re the professor. And sometimes you are the only Black student, so everything that comes out of your mouth seems holier than thou to your white peers and instructor.
After spending so much time in one place, it gets solidified in your routine, and I believe in shaking up the routine. Staying within the realms of “normalcy” is not the best way to understand the world. This normal: cis, straight, white; it limits possibility. Yet I opened myself up to it, as I’m currently at a predominantly white institution.
Sometimes you are the only Black person in the classroom, and you’re the professor. And sometimes you are the only Black student, so everything that comes out of your mouth seems holier than thou to your white peers and instructor. Deemed master of Black studies because I’m Black, yet I wasn’t given all of the material to do so.
It still feels weird living in a small city, being from a large metropolis. I yearned to move at a slower pace in a small city, sort of like in Stars Hollow or Mystic Falls. But here the community is not a given and you have to work to find the people who will give you that classic Black head nod [of acknowledgement].
We must find peace. Creating a space where you feel at ease and can do as you please; it’s a privilege to do so.
One thing UVA the institution can do is forget to acknowledge you, until it feels necessary for them. Left collecting dust until you finally build up the courage to ask for help. And you get told, “It will get better.” But when? Why does one have to suffer if the resources are available to make their life better?
We must find peace. Creating a space where you feel at ease and can do as you please; it’s a privilege to do so. Whether it’s through collecting records, candles, therapy or owning a pet. Everyone deserves the experience.
The need to feel something. It changes us, and we have to go through them no matter the pain because the ending is the best part. The beginning begins again and then we wonder how it will be different. If we find that peace. How, this time, it will get better.
And if it’s the same that means you get to grow that experience.
