The following is a public-service annotation of the momentous Disney Channel film "Luck of the Irish." Enjoy.
Did you know that everyone in the world is different from everyone else? It’s 2001, and Disney Channel just discovered race. The camera flashes through close-ups of people of different races and ethnicities wearing traditional cultural clothing and staring at the camera. See? We’re inclusive!
The editor hasn’t discovered race yet because he seems to think this is a horror movie. He does a series of fast cuts, as we pull out to reveal an audience watching a Native American tribal dance in front of flags from all over the world. None of them are tribal flags.
The audience bursts into applause. Even though they're all different, they do have one thing in common. They all have a heritage.
A white guy having problems? Thank goodness, it was just a dream.
Bonnie Lopez, president of the Heritage Day committee, goes up to the mic to announce the next performer. It’s Kyle Johnson, but he’s nowhere to be found. Why? Because he’s tiny! Kyle wonders if he is the only person in the world who doesn’t have a heritage.
Bonnie sexually whispers Kyle’s name into the microphone and then steps on him.
A white guy having problems? Thank goodness, it was just a dream.
Since Kyle doesn’t have a heritage, he has the quintessential white breakfast—yogurt and a fruit bar. He asks his parents where they’re from. His dad smiles like he has a gun to his head, stares silently into the camera for a couple seconds, and then tells Kyle that they’re from right here. They moved here from Cleveland.
His mom reassures him. Don’t worry Kyle, you’re American. That’s all the heritage you need. Now put on your lucky coin, you’re going to be late for school.
What is your heritage Kyle? Are you English? Nordic? ... He’s a white guy. People shouldn’t be asking him these questions.
Kyle thinks they might be keeping secrets from him, but he really can’t be sure.
Anyway, he has to focus. It’s the big game. The basketball state quarter finals. His friend Russell can’t shoot the ball, but Kyle can. He knocks the ball out of someone’s hand and it makes it into the basket on the other side of the gym. Just normal basketball things.
They win the game and everyone loves him, but he makes sure to remind them that his success isn’t luck—it’s hard work.
Kyle does a little white person dance in the middle of the hallway and people love it. They cheer him all the way to his locker.
Bonnie asks Kyle what he’s planning on doing for Heritage Day. What is your heritage Kyle? Are you English? Nordic?
Kyle says that he’s from Cleveland and walks away as fast as he can. He’s a white guy. People shouldn’t be asking him these questions.
Silly teacher, Kyle’s white. Depending on luck is part of his culture.
Since Kyle doesn’t study, he has to guess the answer for every question on his exam. Kyle’s teacher tells him that in real life, you won’t be able to depend on luck to make up for not knowing.
Silly teacher, Kyle’s white. Depending on luck is part of his culture. He gets an A.
Back at home, Kyle’s mom is serving up white people bullshit for dinner and Kyle needs to stop asking questions about his heritage before his mystery salad congeals.
Just because some people are obsessed with where their ancestors came from doesn’t mean you have to be. Kyle’s dad agrees. Being an individual is what America’s all about. They both smile creepily and stare at their son. Remember, Kyle, we’re from Cleveland.
He doesn’t even know his mother’s maiden name. He didn’t think she could have a heritage. Can women have heritages too?
Kyle still can’t be positive, but it’s really starting to feel like they might be hiding something from him.
So, he goes to the library. Even though Bonnie is president of every club, as a person of color, she has unlimited time to help Kyle figure out his heritage.
It’s a good thing she’s there to help because Kyle’s strategy was typing “Johnson” into google. She tries to ask Kyle questions, so they can narrow down the search, but he doesn’t even know his mother’s maiden name. He didn’t think she could have a heritage. Can women have heritages too?
This is too much thinking for Kyle, so he goes over to Russell’s house to hang out and shoot hoops. Kyle makes a bunch of impossible shots and Russell tells Kyle that he’s the luckiest guy in school. He thinks it’s because of Kyle’s lucky charm.
Kyle does have a lucky charm. It’s called White Privilege.
Kyle does have a lucky charm. It’s called White Privilege.
He finds a $10 bill on the ground, but he’s one of the good ones, so he decides to split it with Russell.
As they walk, they pass a flier for Seamus McTiernan’s Irish Step Show. It has a symbol that matches Kyle’s lucky coin necklace. Is Kyle Irish?
The boys immediately go to an Irish cultural festival because their town, like every town, has those every day. Everyone is wearing green, step dancing instead of walking, and doing terrible Irish accents. Normal Irish things.
Kyle didn’t really care about his heritage before, but now he feels like he was missing something. Russell agrees, but he isn’t white, so we don’t get to hear anything about his heritage. If we did, we wouldn’t have time to learn that Irish people don’t know what basketball shoes are. Or what a store is.
Kyle’s mom gives him crubeens and colcannon for lunch. Ew gross. Kyle was into this heritage stuff before, but pig’s feet? Now things have gone too far.
Seamus McTiernan’s step show begins and it’s so good that Kyle step dances so hard that he collapses onto the floor. An Irish man helps him up and hugs him for just a little too long. They zoom in on Kyle’s necklace. What could this all mean?
The next morning, Kyle’s mom has an Irish accent and she’s cooking eggs and bacon. Holy cholesterol batman! Kyle’s dad is not impressed.
Kyle’s mom gives him crubeens and colcannon for lunch. Ew gross. Kyle was into this heritage stuff before, but pig’s feet? Now things have gone too far.
At school, things get even weirder. Kyle loses his ground money, can’t find his homework, the water fountain makes it look like he peed his pants, and he spills colcannon all over his shoes. Is this how the other half lives?
Russell is not impressed. It’s just bad luck. It’s a little like heritage because everyone has it.
Everything comes so easy for Kyle. He would be a better person if he had to work hard for something for once in his life.
At basketball practice, Kyle can’t make a single basket, and tonight’s the semi-finals. Luckily, Bonnie isn’t allowed to have any interests outside helping Kyle, so she stops by the gym to ask him about Heritage Day.
Kyle is planning to step dance for Heritage Day. It doesn’t seem that hard.
This makes Bonnie angry. Everything comes so easy for Kyle. He would be a better person if he had to work hard for something for once in his life. The only reason he even won the last basketball game was because he got lucky.
Kyle can’t argue with Bonnie, so instead he says that being smart doesn’t mean she knows anything about basketball. Jokes on Kyle because Bonnie is smart and good at basketball. You know why? Because she practices.
That night, Kyle bombs the game. Everyone boos him and Bonnie feels bad. Maybe she shouldn’t have had emotions.
Heritage was fun until it meant being different from other people. He can’t lead a normal life as a short redhead!
The next morning, Kyle is shorter, so he puts on a bucket hat.
In science class, Kyle’s lucky necklace is attracted to a magnet, even though it’s supposed to be pure gold. Russell explains that this means that Kyle’s necklace is a fake. Someone stole it! That must have been why he had such a bad game!
Not only is his lucky coin gone, but Kyle’s 5ft tall now and a redhead. He can’t let people see him like this, so he runs away from school.
When he gets home, his mother is a leprechaun! And guess what? Kyle is too. But don’t worry. His dad’s still from Cleveland.
Kyle’s pissed off. Heritage was fun until it meant being different from other people. He can’t lead a normal life as a short redhead! How can he change things back?
Leprechauns don’t believe in mixed marriages. They’re small minded in that way.
Kyle’s mom explains that all he needs to do is find his lucky necklace again. It contains the family’s luck and as long as he wears it, they can all pass as human.
Kyle’s mom thinks that her dad stole the coin to get back at her for marrying someone from Cleveland. Leprechauns don’t believe in mixed marriages. They’re small minded in that way.
After a stereotype laden romp through Kyle’s grandfather’s potato chip factory, complete with a chase scene involving a standing army of potato chip cops and the arrival of Bonnie who, per usual, is there to solve all of Kyle’s problems, Kyle realizes that his grandfather did not steal the coin. In fact, it doesn’t make sense for anyone in the family to steal the coin because Kyle wearing the necklace keeps everyone in the clan from shrinking.
Kyle and Grandad don’t have any leads, so they play sad flute and have a pity party. Without luck, how is the family supposed to function?
Even though this movie is about heritage, Disney is more interested in bastardizing Irish culture than in giving even a second of spotlight to the historical contributions of people of color.
Bonnie’s not having it. Luck isn’t everything. Some people do just fine without it, thank you very much.
Kyle’s grandfather disagrees and it is at this point that we learn that this man canonically invented the potato chip. Sorry, George Krum. Even though this movie is about heritage, Disney is more interested in bastardizing Irish culture than in giving even a second of spotlight to the historical contributions of people of color.
Kyle’s upset. Before he was Irish, everyone thought that he was attractive and he didn’t have any family problems. What good has having a heritage done for him?
Kyle decides that he’s not Irish. He’s American. And, like any good American, he’s going to talk to the manager: Seamus McTiernan, the man who ran the Irish festival. Maybe he’ll have answers on the good luck charm thief.
A plot line for Bonnie?!?! Now, things are really starting to get crazy.
Grandad does not like this plan. Seamus McTiernan’s heart is full of blarney rubbish because he is a far darrig. Far darrig are an evil type of leprechaun, so it’s okay for grandad to be racist towards them.
Despite granddad’s resistance, they all pile into grandad’s Shrek Mobile to track down Seamus McTiernan’s tour bus. Bonnie tags along, even though it means she’ll miss the rest of the Young Achievers field trip. She never even wanted to be a young achiever anyway. She’d rather be on the basketball team, but her parents thought that wouldn’t look as good on college apps.
A plot line for Bonnie?!?! Now, things are really starting to get crazy.
As they drive away, they see Russell casually standing in the middle of the street. Remember him? He’s Kyle’s friend too.
With Russell squished in the middle seat, the group arrives at Seamus McTiernan’s tour bus, where they find a safe full of leprechaun coins. But unlucky Kyle gets caught snooping, causing Seamus McTiernan to take off in his tour bus. A chase ensues.
Everyone has bad luck, but you can make it better if you keep trying.
Seamus McTiernan throws a bucket of corned beef and cabbage at grandad’s car, making grandad crash into a dumpster.
Rain starts pouring down and bagpipe music plays, as we cut to grandad sitting on his car and holding a bagpipe, not even pretending to move his fingers. Kyle is also sad. He’s never going to get his luck back and he won’t even get to play at the third big game of the week. Bonnie was right. He was never good at basketball. He was just lucky. In fact, it’s not just Kyle. No one in the family can fix the car because they’re all so reliant on luck that they’re incapable of doing normal everyday tasks.
Everyone’s pissy and Bonnie’s sick of it. It doesn’t do any good trying to blame each other. Everyone has bad luck, but you can make it better if you keep trying. When the Irish came to America, things were tough. They had to work at jobs other people wouldn’t take and they didn’t get paid what they deserved. The important thing about the Irish is that they were American. They didn’t give up. They kept trying until things got better. That’s the American way. That’s what makes them all special.
The sky is so inspired by the myth of meritocracy that it stops raining. The gang is inspired too and bands together to fix the car.
Grandad tells Russell to stop science-splaining rainbows to a leprechaun and Kyle immediately finds the end of the rainbow and Seamus’ bus.
Kyle thanks Bonnie for helping. Even though it’s usually annoying that she is a woman and has emotions, this time it worked in his favor. Maybe he hasn’t lost all of his luck.
Just then, a rainbow appears in the sky. Kyle jokes that they should follow it to find the gold. This is not a joke to grandad, so he, Kyle, and Russell take off on foot to find the end of the rainbow.
They stop a short distance away, winded. Russell points out that what they’re doing is impossible. There’s no end to a rainbow; it’s just light reflected by clouds. Russell wants to be a scientist when he grows up.
Grandad tells Russell to stop science-splaining rainbows to a leprechaun and Kyle immediately finds the end of the rainbow and Seamus’ bus. Maybe Russell shouldn’t have shown interest in something other than sports.
Grandad thinks they should steal the whole pot of coins, but Kyle’s not having it. People might do that where grandad’s from, but Kyle’s an American. He’s too civilized to steal.
The trio sneaks up to the RV. Seamus and his troupe of dancers are inside a nearby restaurant, so Kyle seizes the opportunity to sneak in and grab the coin.
Grandad thinks they should steal the whole pot of coins, but Kyle’s not having it. People might do that where grandad’s from, but Kyle’s an American. He’s too civilized to steal. His people came to this country to work hard, get ahead, and ball. Grandad’s so touched that Kyle referred to the Irish as his people, that he looks past the problematic bits.
Kyle finds his necklace and immediately grows to normal size, but he’s too late. Seamus McTiernan is back in the RV. He does some far derrig magic and captures both grandad and Russell.
In a last ditch effort, Kyle bets that if he can beat McTiernan at sports, then McTiernan will have to give him back his grandad and his lucky coin. What is Russell? Chopped liver?!
Kyle is American, so he doesn’t believe in kings. He believes in basketball.
McTiernan agrees, because stereotyping Irish characters as gamblers definitely isn’t problematic. McTiernan tells Kyle that he stole the coin because he wants to take the luck from every Leprechaun in America, so that he can become king of the leprechauns.
Guess what, McTiernan? Kyle is American, so he doesn’t believe in kings. He believes in basketball.
Even though Irish sports aren’t baseball, basketball, or football, and are therefore not real sports, Kyle still manages to win 4/8 rounds. Seamus laughs an evil Irish laugh. A tie isn’t winning, so Kyle doesn’t get his coin back. Or his grandfather. He can have Russell though. Russell is barely a character, so McTiernan doesn’t count it as a loss.
Kyle is angry. He makes a counter bet. He might not be smart or good at Irish sports, but he is good at one thing. Basketball. Kyle bets Seamus that he can beat him at basketball, even without his luck. If he loses, he’ll be Seamus’s slave forever. If he wins, he gets his luck back, his grandfather back, and Seamus will be forever trapped in the land of Erie—the land of Kyle’s forefathers.
See? Even Kyle’s confused about what the moral of this movie is supposed to be.
Seamus McTiernan agrees and suddenly they’re in the middle school gym at the big game. Only, instead of playing against another team of middle schoolers, Kyle, Russell and the rest of their team are playing against a group of adult leprechauns.
Also grandad is chained to the basketball hoop, sitting on top of the backboard and absolutely no one in this packed crowd notices.
Seamus starts the game with some Kyle-level trick shots, but Kyle thinks he can beat Seamus if he just tries hard enough. He starts passing the ball to his teammates and being an actual team player.
Kyle’s parents and Bonnie fixed the car, so they roll up to the gym. Things are looking rough for the team of children, so grandad gives Russell a lucky coin. It’s clearly fake, but usually no one pays attention to Russell, so this single moment of attention turns him into a basketball star. He starts cheesing like crazy and making layups left and right.
Watching Russell, Kyle realizes that it isn’t luck he’s been lacking — it’s confidence. All he needs is what’s inside. And what’s inside Kyle? The luck of the Irish. See? Even Kyle’s confused about what the moral of this movie is supposed to be.
Seamus McTiernan may be a step dancer, but the jig is finally up.
But that doesn’t matter. He’s not here to be smart. He’s here to do sports. Kyle makes a trick shot. Russell touches the rim of the basket. Anyone can be good at basketball if they believe.
The boys are making up the gap, but in the final 10 seconds, Seamus transforms into a Leprechaun Demon™ and starts doing guttural screams. He fouls Kyle, who passes the ball to Russell. Russell makes a buzzer beater and saves the day!
Kyle’s team wins and everyone celebrates. Even though Seamus lost the bet, he doesn’t seem sad. He still has an RV full of gold and he’s being sent back home to the motherland, where he can become king of the leprechauns.
Not on Kyle’s watch. Seamus McTiernan may be a step dancer, but the jig is finally up. In the initial bet, Kyle said the Land of Erie, not the Land of Eirie. The land of his forefathers isn’t Ireland. It’s Cleveland.
What could have been a thoughtful exploration of Bonnie’s experience as a first generation American trying to cope with the pressure her parents place on her to live the dreams they never could, is, of course, shunted to the side in favor of exploring Kyle’s struggles as a white guy who doesn’t want to be a redhead.
Seamus gasps in shock, as he is teleported directly into the waters of Lake Erie. Kyle puts back on his lucky coin necklace. Bonnie was right. Luck has nothing to do with his success. Everything he has ever achieved has been because of hard work.
The whole school lifts Kyle and Russell into the air like little Bar Mitzvah boys.
Then, Bonnie’s dad makes an appearance and agrees to let Bonnie play basketball next year, after Kyle’s grandad tells him that Emerald Isle Potato Chips is thinking of giving Bonnie a scholarship, but she needs to be a more well-rounded candidate.
What could have been a thoughtful exploration of Bonnie’s experience as a first generation American trying to cope with the pressure her parents place on her to live the dreams they never could, is, of course, shunted to the side in favor of exploring Kyle’s struggles as a white guy who doesn’t want to be a redhead.
Don’t forget kids,... you can be proud of your heritage, as long as it doesn’t get in the way of blind patriotism for a country that might be subjugating your people right now!
We cut to Heritage Day, where Kyle is step dancing. After his performance, he tells the audience that he is proud of his mom’s family and his Irish heritage, but that mostly he’s proud to be an American and that Americans come from all over.
He then, I kid you not, starts singing ‘This Land is Your Land.’ Bonnie gets up on stage and joins him. His parents stand up in the crowd. Slowly, everyone in the audience joins together in song.
Don’t forget kids, even though we all have a heritage, the most important thing of all is that we’re all American. You can be proud of your heritage, as long as it doesn’t get in the way of blind patriotism for a country that might be subjugating your people right now!
This land was made for you and me.
