I did a free Pilates trial at a studio in my hometown and began to wonder about the steps I could take to become a certified Pilates instructor.
When I first started playing basketball at the age of eight, the goal became to play at the Division I level.
After my time in dance, I thought I wanted to be a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader.
So as I finished my third hot yoga class and my mind started to wander to the thought of becoming a yogi, I paused. I knew that I liked yoga. I like how it makes me feel, how it provides a release and a pocket of time to spend for myself, but did I love it enough to conquer it? I don’t know. I so quickly set out to conquer – things that are fun hobbies turn into ways I can establish expertise or credibility.
What makes someone want to morph the thing that they love into a pursuit with such high stakes, riddled with implications of perfection and pressure, no matter the toll it may take on their physical and mental health?
I first started thinking about my desire to conquer while watching the film Michael. What makes someone want to pursue, dominate, push, and pioneer so hard that they are undoubtedly the greatest? What makes someone want to morph the thing that they love into a pursuit with such high stakes, riddled with implications of perfection and pressure, no matter the toll it may take on their physical and mental health? Why couldn’t Michael Jackson just make music for fun?
I am no Micheal Jackson, but I began to wonder about the difference between his need to conquer and my need to conquer. Perhaps there are two sides to conquering.
This desire to be the greatest comes from society telling you that you are not doing enough and the need to silence that voice.
One side of conquering is ugly. It comes from pride, insecurity, and a culture of optimization. A desire to have tangible proof that you are better, more experienced, and more practiced. This desire to be the greatest comes from society telling you that you are not doing enough and the need to silence that voice. This version of conquering comes with the pressure and a price – getting your identity wrapped up in things that were never meant to define you, things that sometimes get uncontrollably messy. Then suddenly a bad game or a wobbly half moon in Sunday Yoga have much higher stakes and it feels like they tell a story about you.
But there is a side of my desire to conquer that comes down to my pursuit of my passions. To be creatively expressed in all the ways I want to be. To have all facets of my life contribute to the full picture of who I am, even if that does not boil down to my productivity, utility, and my academic and professional pursuits. That part of me is being a student, an explorer, coffee and fashion enthusiast, and a retired athlete writer who also does yoga on the side.
I do not mistake my ambition for the former need to conquer.
I think Michael Jackson might resonate with that side more: loving a creative pursuit so much it hurts. You have to put your best foot forward, you have to do it justice. You cannot keep it contained for yourself, you must share, and that's when a new pressure comes in. But maybe it is worth it if you really love it.
I do not mistake my ambition for the former need to conquer. Having drive and striving to be the best version of yourself is not the toxic need to conquer, however, turning every pursuit, every passion, and every activity, even the low-stakes ones, into something that measures your value, success, and perceived expertise will wear you down. Sometimes, conquering can be tiring. It can turn into a performance for others rather than seeking for yourself.
But for the things I love, really love, maybe I am willing to share—to open them up to criticism, so I can be the best.
There are times I still fall victim to the former version of conquering. Pursuing the highest level of things maybe not entirely for me, not out of love, but out of pride. I’m working on it. But for the things I love, really love, maybe I am willing to share—to open them up to criticism, so I can be the best. However, for other things, maybe they can just be for me. I love them too, but maybe not enough to open them up to the pressure of being conquered. But if I love it, maybe the pressure wouldn’t feel like pressure at all.
In the midst of this discovery, I show myself grace. That is because we live in a culture that tells us domination is the only pursuit worth our while. From colonization, to sports to music, the culture of conquering is everywhere today. Conquer your grades, conquer others, conquer your body, conquer every hobby you pick up.
Sometimes we must find value in allowing things to exist for ourselves.
I am still learning that not everything I do needs to be conquered. Some things are not worth conquering and I can take the time to determine what is instead of conquering being my default. Sometimes we must find value in allowing things to exist for ourselves. With no pressure to clean it up and polish them. With giving ourselves room to grow, and allowing things to be messy. Sometimes, conquering comes when you remove the pressure to be the best, allowing yourself to focus on dedication, developing your eye, and slowing down in a world that tells us everything we touch, must be conquered.
