As I begin my fourth and final year at the prestigious University of Virginia (thank God), I realize I find myself feeling a combination of three ways:
- Excited
- Relieved
- Terrified
I’m excited because I'm leaving. I’m relieved because I’m leaving. And I am terrified because… I have to leave.
My journey at UVA has been complicated (see previous article). Nevertheless, I can’t find myself regretting it. Now, don’t get me wrong—I still need a lot of work—I’m talking serious “under construction” here—but I’m enjoying the path I’m currently on, and I wouldn’t trade the experiences that led me here... Ok... I might be gassin’ it... I would trade a coupl—I would trade a lot of the experiences I’ve had. But that doesn’t change the fact that I’ve learned a lot about myself throughout my years here:
- I’ve learned that I (unfortunately) am a morning person.
- I’ve learned that Roots does in fact slap as hard as people say.
- I’ve learned how to advocate—for others and myself... I’ve learned that I don’t have the luxury of ever turning that off.
- I’ve learned the importance of finesse over intelligence (e.g. knowledgeable people aren’t always the ones who end up in high places—powerful people are).
- And I’ve learned I’m the type of person who—if I don't write it down or do it right away—won’t complete that task, won’t buy that thing, won’t send that email… and will probably lie down to take a nap.
So, here I am—bearing all of you as my witness—writing down some things I wish to accomplish by graduation. (I’m also told that lists make you “organized” and “mature” and “better at adulting” and so here is my attempt at doing whatever tf1 that is):
1. Find A Job
Yes, like any person who is currently in my circumstances I would like to be financially stable upon walking out the doors of UVA (...or should I say upon walking off the Lawn? Get it? Yes? No? Stop it? OK.) I—so courageously so—am a Creative Writing major. So what does that mean? Well, it means: if you see me walking down the street with tear marks on my face—don’t say nothing—just wave and keep it moving…
What I’m trying to say is: this road ahead of me will probably not be easy. It could possibly be a while until I find a place of employment that I’m truly happy with. (Unless of course any of you know Issa Rae or Shonda Rhimes… if you do: TELL THEM I’M AVAILABLE... PLEASE.) I’ll probably feel frustrated or sad or useless at times. Or maybe all the time... The truth is, I don’t know where I’ll go or what I’ll end up doing, but I do know that I’m very fortunate to have found a lot of inspiring and loyal people who will help me to continue to strive. I’ve found people who believe in me and in my vision. I found people who feel like the work I do in this world is special—and have helped feel that way too. They make me feel like Black, female, storytellers are capable of taking over the world. And we are. I look forward to the day I find a place of employment that allows me to display my all superpowers for the world to see without any limitation. I look forward to making these people, and myself, proud.
2. Learn to Say “Hell Nah” and Mean It
These past couple years have been very draining. There never seems to be enough time in the day to be a full time student who has an internship and a job and social life with the correct amount of extracurriculars to make your resume perfect and shiny and exemplary! Mind you, I'm not writing this article to simply vent or complain (okay maybe just a little). But upon reflecting on all these things I’ve been a part of these past few years, I began to realize that this overbearing workload so many of us struggle with: is not normal. Over committing yourself to countless projects is not healthy —and I know this is a hard pill to swallow for us UVA students—but it’s ok to say no. It’s ok to take a semester off from whatever organization you’re in. It’s ok to sit in the audience sometimes and just be a support system. That’s what I’m trying out this semester. I’ve substituted fewer meetings for more wash days and—let me tell you: my hair and I are striving.
3. Tell My Real Friends I Love Them More Often
It’s really crazy and saddening to think about the fact that this is the last time I’ll be in a space this vast with this many people who are my age going through the same bullshit2 I’m going through. I mean, honestly, the bullshit is what made us friends. I’m grateful for the bullshit. More importantly though, I’m grateful for the people who were able to see past it with me. I’m grateful for the honest discussions. I’m grateful for the dumb laughs. I’m grateful for the free meal swipes y’all give me when I’m starving. I’m grateful for the shopping trips and the iHop runs and the wine nights and the ratchet-sidy at parties.... There is no way I could have done four years here without any of it. And I can’t help but get emotional thinking about how we will be going our separate ways come May.
Therefore, I’m vowing to love my Real Friends now. Openly. Loudly. Recklessly. I’m learning to say things like “I appreciate you,” and “I’m here if you need me” more often. I’m learning to take the time to check in. If you’re like me, then you hate texting. You think it’s too much effort, and chances are you’ll look at a message, respond in your head and then probably lie down to take a nap. But. Don’t be like me. I’m trying not to be like me. I’m trying to let the people I love know that I love them. No doubt. No questions asked. That way I won’t just leave this university with friends—I’ll leave here with family.
4. Let God and Let Go
When I first came to UVa, I was so miserable I couldn’t understand what the living hell I was doing here. Like: what was the reason for all this sadness?
I’ve always known of God. I’ve always spoken to Him. However, I wasn’t anywhere as strong in my faith as I am now. Not to get super religious here—especially since I, myself, have questions about “organized religion”—but the way I’ve transformed spiritually at UVa has made everything worth it in a way. When I look back, and think about how dark and depressing things got, I also reflect on how I was trying to get through all of it on my own. I think about how my Bible was just a book on my shelf and how God was someone I talked to when I just needed something. (Back then was harder, I must admit, because I didn’t know what I needed. I just knew I didn’t want to be sad anymore.) Now, I’ve come to know a God who wants nothing more than to love me closely and passionately. I’ve learned that because of this, I don’t need to know the answers to every question I have. I’ve learned that, like any relationship, it takes effort to learn how to love and serve someone. It takes time and commitment. I’ve discovered that when you let a higher power into your life—whatever that may be—everything gets bigger and brighter and you don’t feel as small or weak or hopeless. I’ve learned to listen. And obey. And submit. To ask questions. Ask for help. Ask for clarification... Part of the reason I feel so much peace now is because I am so confident about who will be by my side and lay the foundation for the road ahead of me. I know that when I fall down, it won’t be for long. And when I look up—ll always have salvation.
5. Bask in It
Y’all ever heard of “Fourth Year—F*ck it?” Welp, that’s the energy I’m trying to be on. I want to enjoy my final months here at the University. Regardless of how I feel toward this institution, (a lot of ways *insert side eye emoji*) I care more about myself. I’ve grown to care a lot about my well-being and my mental state. Happiness isn’t always an option, but at least I’m choosing to seek it. I’m not saying I do that all the time. I’m not perfect. And I have nothing against sadness. Look where it's gotten me. But this time at least—for these closing moments in this chapter in my life: I choose to laugh in embarrassing situations. I choose to smile even when I feel so stressed my it’s like my head is about to fall off. I choose to skip class and go to happy hour. (Just kidding…) I choose to go to Church every Sunday. I choose: me.
And if I don’t say that now. Out loud. Or put it in writing somewhere... chances are I’ll probably lie down to take a nap.
(Comment below with one revelation and/or resolution you have from your time at school.)
1 The fuck
2 The University of Virginia
