After a two-year hiatus, the second season of Euphoria came tumbling back in with a messy start. As I’ve continued to watch the following episodes every week, I couldn’t help but find myself being represented by main characters like Cassie.
Cassie lives in a world where her ultra-feminine looks are objectified not only by her love interests, but also by her family. She grew up learning to constantly perform for the male gaze, even if she did not want to or recognize she was doing it. As a result, Cassie has internalized the sexual objectification forced upon her from a young age, and has since moulded her self-worth according to the belief that hyper-sexualization will achieve a sense of validation.
I personally saw a lot of my younger self in Cassie. I’ve been in situations and relationships where my instinct was to engage in sexual relations because that’s all I’ve known. I grew up in a family that never gave me “the talk” (not to mention how sex education in middle school never even mentioned safe sex, but only that we should not be having it).Ttherefore, a lot of what I learned concerning sex and dating was through my friends or my dates. I started “dating” in middle school, which only really meant holding hands and walking to the buses together. There was a sense of value to dating in middle school: it boosted popularity, it made you feel older than you actually were, and the relationships rarely lasted more than a month (for me, at least).
When I was 12, this form of sexual harassment was normalized as a compliment. I quickly learned how sexualized my body was, which later affected my young adult dating life in ways that led me to disregard my personal boundaries for the sake of appealing to the male gaze.
Middle school dating can be embarrassing, endearing, and confusing all at the same time, especially when a school full of kids are experiencing puberty. Bodies were changing, hormones were raging, and due to the lack of education on consent in health class, bodies were objectified and assaulted. In my middle school there was a trend called “Slap A** Fridays,” where every Friday throughout the whole school year, students (often boys) sexually harassed other students by slapping their butts without consent. When I was 12, this form of sexual harassment was normalized as a compliment. I quickly learned how sexualized my body was, which later affected my young adult dating life in ways that led me to disregard my personal boundaries for the sake of appealing to the male gaze.
Looking back, the hyper-sexualization of my body early was the catalyst for a relationship with my own body that sought external validation. I started dating people who were only interested in the image of me. After believing the many “I love you’s” only said during sex, and compliments based solely on my appearance, I started to feel a lack of control within my relationships and hookups. I constantly felt the pressure to perform in hyper-sexual ways to appease the male gaze. It wasn’t until I started college and began going to therapy that I decided to take full control over my body. That meant being in constant conversation with myself and paying attention to feelings of anxiety and pleasure as I navigated dating and hookups.
For me, that now looks like honoring my sacred “No” when that's what my body is telling me. Though the other party may not accept this rejection, that is never my fault. This also means asking a lot of questions in order to check-in with myself. Here are some of those questions -- I suggest you use them yourself:
- Do you enthusiastically want to do it?
- Can you trust yourself to make a clear decision? (Are you clouded by drugs or broken-hearted loneliness?)
- Do you feel like this person would respect your boundaries, and do they know what they are? Have those boundaries been clearly communicated?
- Does this person make you feel uncomfortable or unsafe?
- Are you prepared to possibly navigate complicated feelings?
- Would this relationship (or hookup) negatively affect anyone outside of you and the person with whom you are interacting?
- How will being with this person change your expectations of your relationship with them?
- Do you know what will bring pleasure to your mind and body in this situation?
- Do you think that this person can be receptive to the communication of your personal needs?
- What are your expectations for this relationship?
- What did not and did not work in past relationships?
- Have you adequately processed past relationships?
- Do you have time for this?
These questions may feel like a lot to remember and to ask yourself. So, write them in your journal, notes app, or on a receipt. Keep them handy for when you feel like you want to know yourself better as you navigate the messy life of dating, hooking up, or whatever you feel these questions necessary for.
