Okay, I’ll be the first to admit that I am a material girl. Some might call me a shopaholic for thinking that a pair of Maison Margiela tabi ballerina heels—ones that would make my feet look like horse hoofs and allow me to trot around grounds—would bring me the most joy in the world, but it’s just the truth and I cannot lie. If I’m already knee deep, bathing in Dante’s fourth circle of greed, I think I should refrain from dipping my toe in that deliciously deplorable eighth circle of fraud.
In the spirit of honesty, the only thing that stands between me and living my fullest materialistic dream is money. This truly must be my personal hell to lust after so much and not be able to have any of it. In a true utopia, I’d own everything I’ve ever set my sights on—Marie Kondo’s maximalist nightmare.
They say though, the first step to recovery from addiction is acceptance and I’ve definitely accepted it. It’s really not so bad; it’s not as if I’m hurting anyone with my endless wish lists—except myself. Truly, I desperately need to go on a shopping spree because if I don’t own these ten items immediately, I might actually implode.
1. A Cheese Grater
As I write this, I’ve had the craving—for almost a week now—to make moist carrot cupcakes frosted with airy cream cheese frosting (god my mouth is watering at the thought) and to stain my hands orange with carrot juice. And even though this craving only arises every other month and this is probably the only thing I will use this cheese grater for, I think it would be the perfect purchase to kick off my shopping spree.
2. Pastel Kitchenaid Stand Mixer in Almond Cream
Perhaps I’m still being influenced by my current hankering for carrot cake cupcakes, but this calm colored stand mixer would soothe my soul and allow me to live out my dream of owning a warm hole-in-the-wall bakery, tucked away from the menacing claws of capitalism.
3. Another Wolf Shirt
Emphasis on another because I must buy another one to add to my growing collection of six wolf shirts. Much like the reviews suggest, these shirts hold great power. I too have found that wearing wolf shirts makes me “irresistible to women,” “strikes fear in other males,” and gives me “magical healing abilities.” What the average person fails to comprehend is that these shirts are so ugly that they become camp and beyond their magical properties, these shirts are therefore the most stylish thing a person could ever wear.
4. Clothes for my Stray Kids Bbokari plush
I’m honestly just an incredibly generous individual and beyond buying myself a brand new wolf shirt, I also want to spread my wealth and give my small duck friend, Bbokari, a makeover! It’s the least he deserves for working so hard on being so adorable. The only thing that can enhance an animal plush’s cuteness factor is dressing them up as another animal, so this cow costume is a wardrobe staple and a must-buy.
5. Sunset Lamp
Two years ago, I went to my family doctor and did my annual checkup and blood work. She returned with the results that I have a Vitamin D deficiency. Perhaps if I leave this lamp on for long enough, I can trick my body and circadian rhythm into thinking that it’s receiving sufficient Vitamin D so that I don’t have to sunbathe like a reptile or drink in the sun like a small photosynthesizing plant.
6. Ice Skates
Every winter, I try to grasp at and cling onto a piece of my Canadian childhood by going ice skating. And every winter, I need to rent disgustingly dull and gray ice skates from the rink. It simply ruins the figure skating aesthetic with the way that it clashes with the gleaming white ice and is the only thing stopping me from achieving a triple axel—obviously not my lack of Olympic level training. How else will I live out my Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir dream of ice skating to the stars without a pair of pearly white, pristine skates?
7. Matching Jibbitz with my Friends
Only God, Crocs, and capitalism know why miniscule jibbitz cost $4 each in this egg-deprived economy. But they also know that there will always be people who will succumb to their yearning for small matching trinkets, regardless of the markup. I’m people. How else will people know my love of Cinnamoroll or minions? Jibbitz are the truest reflection of one’s interiority and self. So if my crocs are barren, what does that say about me?
8. 23 and Me Test
Nothing would bring me greater joy than to spit in a tube, box it up, and ship it off to a corporation probably created to steal my DNA and use it for potentially malicious purposes like creating an army of clones that will eventually overtake and replace us all. But who cares, I’ll know the percentage breakdown of my heritage and where I’m truly from!
9. Limited Edition Sonny Baby Angels
How else will I celebrate Sonny Angel’s 17th Anniversary besides buying endless blind boxes until I obtain all six unique babies in this Japanese Good Luck series. The brand promises that each baby is wearing a traditional Japanese lucky charm that is guaranteed to bring healing and happiness. The only healing and happiness I need is surely stored in the adrenaline rush that surges through you the moment before opening a blind box and the desperation attached to wishing for your desired Sonny Angel.
10. Bbia Last Auto Gel Liner in #13 Peanut Beige
This final product is a must-have so that I can define my aegyo-sal—the small roll of skin tucked right below my eyes that frames my lower eyelids. Will I be able to use this product for anything else? Probably not. Will anyone even notice this miniscule shading difference? Also unlikely. But I will. I’ll notice that subtle definition of the small puff of fat under my eyes that’s widely envied in East Asian beauty standards and that is why I must buy this small pen that is worth three cups of coffee. There is joy stored in an aegyo-sal and it can only be unlocked with this gel liner.
