“I found God in myself. And I loved her. I loved her fiercely.” - Ntozake Shange
I am trying to find the God in myself.
I want love her fiercely. I want to love her so badly I can cry.
I am trying to find the God in myself.
I want to live a life full of content.
I want to smile with honesty, wholesomeness and leisure.
When I look at those around me I want I feel loyalty and joy and genuity.
I am trying to find the God in myself.
I want to feel Her warmth and Her blessings.
I want to shower in them
and glow.
I want to be the sun.
I am trying to find the God in myself.
When I look in the mirror I want to see beauty. I want it to be Black like me. I want to see Her image.
When I put myself forth
I want to feel desired.
When I open my mouth
I want to be heard.
When I am in pain
I want to be visible.
I am trying to find the God in myself.
I want to see what She sees when She pours Her love unto me with freedom and delight.
I want to know why She never withholds or runs out.
I am trying to find the God in myself.
And where she lies
And why I lie to her when I go looking in places I know she will not be.
I am trying to find the God in myself.
I want to put my pain before others.
I want it to be legitimate.
And real.
And understood.
I am looking for the God in myself.
I need to tell her that her smile is my sun
That her warmth engulfs my heart into flames and because of it I glow from the inside out.
I need to tell her that she is beautiful
That her grace lies in the melanin of her skin
the delicacy of her heart
and the strength of her soul.
I need to tell her that I desire her and my love is never-ending
That I see her pain and I know that it is real
And I mourn
and I cry for her.
I need to tell her that I’ve been talking to God
And She’s been teaching me how to love her.
I want to tell her that I am ready to try for myself.
I want to tell her that I will do my best to love her honestly, joyfully, freely
Fiercely.
Thank you, Ntozake Shange, for showing me where to start looking.
