There are twenty-one of me
inside of me
One for each year of life
on this Earth
I count them off
One by one
Holding each with curious care
A matryoshka of 21 pieces
Each their own color
nestled into one another
Eleven painted herself stone grey
Upset with, not the world,
But herself
We have long tried to forget you
Out of shame and self-loathing
But all eleven truly wanted
Was to be loved,
Seen
And to hide away encased inside
All of the future dolls
To unknowingly inhabit the deep
comfort and sincerity of
Their love and acceptance.
Fourteen painted herself light yellow
Her brown eyes bright and open
So precious
She didn’t know much
But she tried her very best
All she truly yearned for
Was the sheer excess of youth
All its pleasures and tribulations.
A contrasting shell over the others
A new doll, but more would
grow from her image.
Nineteen painted herself cerise
Fresh to excess freedom
She knew no bound
Rising on couches
Remnants of last night's mascara
Caked around her eyes
From parties, people, places & faces
Often unknown.
She wanted to see & be seen by all
An embodiment of everything
Leaving nothing at all, an emptiness
To which no other doll inside
had the answer to
When I think of eleven,
I now hesitate to grimace
When I think of fourteen,
I can’t help but smile
When I think of nineteen
I realized she knew all along
But was too stubborn to see
Her vye and attainment for
All of life's pleasures leaving her full
Yet incredibly depleted
Empty.
Nineteen’s cerise hedonism shrouded
Twenty in a gradient of muddled colors
That over time cleared,
Coloring twenty one a soft lush pink
That will, in time, darken into
A bold venetian red.
Twenty one holds the other twenty dolls
With newfound pride and acceptance
Standing beautifully adorned
for herself and all
to admire.
When I think back
to all the past me’s of three years ago,
I think of all that we’ve wanted,
All that we’ve left
All that we’ve yearned for.
We have lost,
Yet much more we have won
Now, almost four years later
I look at myself
then back within.
What I once wished to be,
I have become.
