Happy Spooky Season! I always forget how much I love fall until it arrives. What’s more in season than fear (besides pumpkin spice and apple pie)? To kick off the season, I decided to make a list of my greatest fears. Before writing this list, I was worried I wouldn’t be able to come up with 10, let alone 13, fears. Boy, was I wrong! I actually needed to narrow down my list! Here are my fears, ranked from smallest to biggest:
13. CREEPY CRAWLIES (or should I say scary swimmies?) IN THE OCEAN
let me start off by saying i live on an island and actually love the ocean. i will always favor the ocean (or a river or lake) over a pool. i spend my summers relaxing alone at the beach, but that doesn’t mean i am fearless. when i’m with a friend, the crabs and the fish and all the little creatures don’t bother me so much. when i go to the river, i love when the little fishies kiss my legs. but when i’m at the ocean by myself, the story is a bit different. suddenly there are ten times as many crab holes in the sand and the water is dark and ominous and i am alone with who knows what. suddenly i am thinking about Soul Surfer and every other shark attack movie to ever exist. but nonetheless i force myself to go in the ocean just about every time i go to the beach because i know my fear is pointless. the ocean is calling my name and i would be silly not to answer.
12. BEING LATE AND OVERSLEEPING
you’d be surprised i set so many alarms considering that i’m always late. on an average day, i set about ten? alarms to wake me up in the morning. yet, somehow i am still notorious for arriving more than fashionably late to just about everything. i would say my excessive alarm-setting is compulsive and rooted in paranoia, but you really can’t blame me if you’ve seen me try to arrive at any function on time. to be honest, though, i think my problem is less so the waking up and more so the getting ready in a timely manner. i like to believe i can complete my whole to-do list in a thirty-minute window. one of my new year's resolutions last year…and this year…was to be on time. i have yet to figure out how.
11. THE TUNNEL
lana del rey once said did you know that there’s a tunnel under ocean boulevard? well, now i’m asking you: did you know that there’s a tunnel under my place of work? there is a tunnel connected to the basement where i work and no one knows where it goes or what it is. enter. look up: pitch black. ahead: pitch black. and down: dust. and pitch black. keep walking, and to the left you’ll find retro wendy’s wrappers and a basket of old store products. and dust. always more dust. keep going, and still to the left you’ll find…a door? boarded up? keep going and you’ll find…wait that’s it…it’s a dead end?
10. DEATH
death is scary. we all know that. but it certainly earns its place on my list. ranking my fears was a challenge: maybe death should be higher up on my list, but i have more pressing concerns (clearly). we could even define this more broadly as fear of the unknown. what is oblivion? do i fear it? embrace it? oblivion isn’t so scary [i’d even argue it sounds relaxing] until it becomes permanent.
9. BEING THE ONLY PERSON DRESSED IN COSTUME
i doubt i’m alone in this: high school spirit week = social anxiety. i grew up in a small town, where dressing nice (or so i thought) meant standing out. spirit week always felt like a trap: there would be no way to know if dressing in theme would lead to compliments or embarrassment. now that i have escaped the awkward liminal space called high school, i don’t find this fear nearly as prevalent as it once was.
actually, that’s wrong. during my first year at college, i participated in a game called “assassin.” i figured a lot of people around me would be playing: nope! i wore the first-year t-shirt of shame inside-out to the gym, and well, let’s just say i didn’t make it very far in the game.
8. FUTURE ACCIDENT OR HEALTH SCARE
what if what if what if
what if my young stupid habits catch up to me and i become ill and helpless and a dying corpse of a woman and it’s all my fault?
7. COMING ACROSS AS DRAMATIC AND SELF-CENTERED
am i too self-centered? am i talking too much about myself? sorry for being dramatic. should i even be writing this article? maybe i should stop writing about myself and write about issues that actually matter. i want to do something for my birthday but i don’t wanna overdo it. i mean i do but if i do i will feel guilty about it. i just want to have a cute little hangout where we all eat cake and enjoy each other’s company and… “so a birthday party?” my friend asks. yes, a birthday party, but i’m afraid if i make too many plans i will be labeled self-centered pretentious privileged bitch. okay, now that i see that on paper…
…my therapist has her work cut out for her.
6. JUMP SCARES
if you know me, this one is obvious. you could breathe in my direction and i’d jump. my therapist (and my psychiatrist, and my neurologist) says i have anxiety. i’d like to say no shit, but at one point i attributed my overactive reflexes and my very nervous nervous system to, well i’m not sure honestly, but…anywho. maybe i’m like this because startling your friends is seen as a funny prank, because he who shall not be named would slam his hand on my desk at the beginning of history class every single day. and every single day i would anticipate it. yet every single day the sudden thump! would suck all of the air out of my lungs. maybe it’s because reactions are seen as comedy. i get it, i laugh too when i jump out of my seat over basically nothing, but maybe that is why it keeps happening.
even when i am anticipating guests i keep the front door locked. if i unlock the door i fear i will turn my head and suddenly they will be in my room because i didn’t hear them come in. i don’t know why that’s a concern—i’m not doing anything embarrassing and i’m not afraid of my boyfriend or my friends. but this is my space and, as i will say again later, i need it to be under control.
5. SMALL, CONFINED SPACES
in middle school we took turns closing each other in the 13-year-old girl sized ottoman in taylor’s living room. yeah, that wasn’t for me. in high school (you can make fun of me for that part) i watched the episode of Henry Danger where they get trapped in a coffin underground. i am well aware that Henry Danger is a kids’ show on nickelodeon and that in no way is it scary. but i remember that episode!
i would say that i am claustrophobic but i do enjoy caving. yes, climbing underground and army-crawling through tunnels and caverns with the only light coming from my forehead. maybe i am a work still in progress after all.
4. UPSETTING OTHERS
i don’t want to be a man-pleasing family-pleasing friend-pleasing people-pleasing everyone-pleasing fake-friend pushover of a girl but we can’t always get what we want, now can we? is it that i don’t want to upset you, or that i don’t want to be labeled as the person who made you upset?
3. MAKING DECISIONS (HAVING TOO MUCH CONTROL)
don’t you dare overlook my opinion. don’t you dare tell me what i want to do instead of asking me. so what do you wanna do? shit. i didn’t think you’d actually ask.
now i am responsible for my happiness and your happiness and everyone involved’s happiness. i don’t want to pick unless i can have confidence that your response and their response will be an honest, astounding yes! that sounds perfect! that’s what i was thinking too! this confidence that i speak of does not exist. can it exist? i’m not sure. i guess i’m just seeking validation but i just want us to all be happy and that power rests on me and fuck what do i choose? i do not want to choose unless you agree with me but if you choose i will be miserable so yes i know i am the problem but i’m not sure i can help it.
2. NOT HAVING CONTROL
it is friday afternoon and i am cleaning every surface of my home. my roommate noticed this pattern three years ago and wrote a poem about it. my atheist roommate keeps the sabbath—i’d highly recommend, but i’ll admit i’m biased. why is the puppy-printed blanket hung sideways on the couch? why is the snoopy mug next to the coaster instead of on it? why are the keys on the counter when they oh so clearly belong on the hook beside the front door? i could keep going, but i’ll save my grievances for my roommate. what i’m trying to say is, i need my space to be in order. i say i like to clean—which is true—but really i just crave order and if i am the one who needs to create that order then so be it. when you think of someone who craves order and control you probably think of a power-hungry ego-hungry everything-hungry man-tyrant. not a 21-year-old home-done-blue-haired septum-pierced frog-tattooed girl. surprise!
HONORABLE MENTIONS:
- getting sick (it always seems to happen at the worst times)
- wild snakes (pet snakes are cool though)
- Cocaine Bear (the real one)
and last but not least…
1. COCKROACHES
i do not like roaches i do not like roaches i repeat i do not like roaches. some people dream of being chased. or of falling. or of dying. (i dream of those too but) i dream of cockroaches. i am the type of ex-vegetarian still-animal-lover girl who will happily escort a spider from my shower to outside, but again i repeat i do not. like. roaches.
there is a roach. hand squashes it. there is another. he it has a brother. hand squashes it too. there is another. oh my god and another oh my god where are they coming from why won’t they stop please get them out of my space please please please. this is one of my recent dreams nightmares.
google: why am i afraid of roaches? well, that was a mistake (who would’ve guessed?). oily. [keeps reading]. slick. [go on]. diseases. pungent odor. their quick, erratic movements can trigger a fear response in humans. and now the roach is on my wall above my pillow oh my god now it is under my bed. why can’t i find it oh my god why can’t i find it? the roach is in my room it is in my safe space this space is no longer safe cozy safe oh my god it’s heading for my closet it’s going to burrow in my clothes and have nasty roach babies everywhere ew ew ew. i am frozen and the roach is anything but.
